Me, myself, and Meredith

Writing

2012-02-09T20:35:00.000-05:00

So, I've never really been much of a creative writer. I completed assignments, begrudgingly, in school, but I never felt compelled to write in my free time. Today, though, it occurred to me that writing might be cathartic for me. I don't presume myself to be an interesting person, but I guess I've lived some interesting stories. I'm thinking about starting to write them down. Maybe one day I can compile them into some sort of chronological memoir of sorts.

I was a girl that grew up in the suburbs of a moderately large city. I had a family that had decent means. Somehow I shouldn't have had any reason to struggle or live through trying circumstances, but I did. Will anyone want to read? Does it really matter? Maybe all that matters is that I get it out of the depths of my mind, so I can move forward and let go of the past that loves to haunt me. Maybe, if I feel really confident, I'll share some of my writing here. Only time will tell.

Who do you want to be?

2012-01-31T16:27:00.000-05:00

So, I am staring down 32. It's coming in a matter of weeks at this point. And I think I'm having a midlife crisis. I know it's not midlife. I know that I can't have a crisis every other birthday. Nonetheless, I am having one now.

The question rattling in my brain today is who do I want to be. I have a family, a career, a life. Should I just now be worrying about who I want to be? Probably not. And it's not like I haven't addressed this question with myself previously. Given my midlife crisis, though, I am back to pondering this question. I know the way I have been living my life isn't healthy for me. I am not as happy as I should be or as reliable as I should be. I am lacking energy and enthusiasm. Maybe it's winter? Maybe it's life with a baby. I don't know the causes, but I am trying to think of ways I can become the person I envision in my head. Probably the first thing I should do is tackle my health. I need to exercise more, eat better, and strive for balance between stress and fun.

I also think I should explore myself more often. Push my limits, engage in things I enjoy more frequently. That's hard to do without an abundance of free time, but I should make sure I explore this area.

I need to find who I am at my core and make sure my daily actions support and enhance that person. I need to stop being so scared to embrace who I am and what I want. I am working on all of these things, but some days I just don't feel up to the task. How do you find time and energy for yourself when you are so busy working and taking care of everyone else?

Regret

2012-01-24T11:34:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a friend today about regret. I feel like I harbor a lot of it about many different things. The point was made that regret is man made. I am not sure I agree.

I can understand the argument, I think, but I cannot rationalize my regret away with that argument. To say that regret is man made is to say that someone out in the universe thinks that you should feel bad about something. What if you are the only one who thinks that you should feel bad? Then it's not concocted. It's a true feeling. The regrets I have aren't big or earth shattering. They aren't about moments where I feel I did something wrong, more like moments when I feel like I chose the wrong path.

For example, I regret choosing to forgo a substantial scholarship at George Washington University and instead choosing to swim for a full ride at Walsh. I only lasted one year at Walsh, and it was a disastrous year, indeed. I regret not studying abroad in college. I regret not maintaining a better relationship with my friend in France. I regret not studying harder for the LSAT, thereby missing opportunities to go to other law schools.

I have other regrets along those same veins. Usually I chose to travel down one path when the other would have been more lucrative or had more potential to enrich my life.

What do you think? Is regret a concocted emotion? Do you have regrets?

Struggling

2012-01-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

I guess when I decided to have a baby I thought it was perfectly reasonable to manage a career and family simultaneously. I mean, my mom did it with three kids, certainly I could do it with one. I severely underestimated the work involved.

This weekend J and I finally sat down and coordinated a chore list and a schedule. The first 6 months of Henry's life were very challenging for me, because he only consumed breastmilk, which meant I was a machine 24/7. I think those first 6 months set a precedent, though, that I have been working to change ever since. I learned a lot, though, and I think if and when we have another baby I'll be willing to accept more help, even though I'm breastfeeding, and I won't set up unreasonable expectations in my household.

I am excited, though, about the new schedule and "assigned" responsibilities. I think our household will operate a lot more smoothly and harmoniously now.

Speaking of careers, back in November I started a new position in the Lt. Governor's office. I'm enjoying the work a lot, and I think it will be interesting to see where this experience takes me. It's also much more accommodating to my personal life than my last job, so my stress level has decreased significantly.

Return to Blogging

2012-01-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

At the suggestion of a friend, I have decided to dabble once again in blogging. I am going to do my best to use this as a positive outlet, and to provide items that are worthwhile to read.

A lot has changed since I posted last. Most importantly, I have a son! Henry. He is amazing and teaches me something new about myself almost every day.

Something happens when you have a kid, though. Life gets crazy. And challenging. Working full-time and raising a 1 year old is no easy feat. So, this blog may evolve a bit because of those factors in my life.

We are only a few weeks into a new year, so it's an appropriate time for setting goals (resolutions). This year I really want to focus on my health - physical and mental. This is going to be an uphill battle, but I'm excited for the challenge. The first year of Henry's life I felt like I was just trying to keep up. Now I've found my stride and feel like I can get around to being a little more proactive. I hope to get rid of the rest of my baby weight and to improve myself in other ways, so I can be an excellent mother and wife.

So, that's all I have for now. I am sure I will come up with more creative topics as time passes. I'm excited to be back to writing a bit, and I look forward to seeing what this year will bring for me and this blog.

2009-02-06T22:19:00.002-05:00

So. Life has been complicated since I last blogged. Well, we bought the house. We moved into the house. And then work took off. Like a banshee. I am struggling to keep up. I try every day to catch up... with work, with the house, with my life, and I fail... every day. I am not intentionally being melodramatic, but it's just who I am right now.

I couldn't do this all without the support of my family and friends. J is awesome. He keeps me in check and tells me when I am over-dramatizing. My family gives me balance, and my friends listen to me whine.

My sister is going through a really rough time right now, and I love her and support her. I just wish I could tell her the things I am scared to say. She deserves everything I have right now, and I am giving her half of it.

My job is kicking my ass!!!! I wish I had the motivation of Julie, the sass of Sara, and the balls of Jeff and Jen. These people inspire me to be a better employee, and to give more than I have. I am in an awkward position at work, being constanlty compared to a super-producer, and having the motivation of something less. I try. I really do. But, with J sleeping on my pillow and everywhere in between, my sleep is lacking, and my attitude even more.

My Mom's office cleaning lady told her today she would be a grandmother in the next year. She's foreign and somewhat of a fortune-teller, it appears, and I hate to tell my mom that she may be a grandmother to one of my sister's children first. Scary, but true. How the hell do people afford day care for an infant? $1k a month??? You have to be kidding me. J and I have law school loans. If you (dear reader) have a mortgage, I guarantee our loan payments rival. Not to mention that we have our own mortgage on top of that. How the hell can I ever afford a child? I dearly wish for one, though, but I am definitely trying to do all I can to make sure it happens on my terms.

Anywho... I wish the best for everyone in this new year. (Yes, I know that's a delayed sentiment.) And, I hope everyone finds happiness. I'll talk to you all in July when this devilish budget has ended.

Secrets

2008-11-14T22:01:00.004-05:00

Secrets. Something we all have, or do we really?

When I think of the secrets I hold inside my head, I realize that very rarely am I the only person who knows about my secret. It seems as though anything we keep tucked away and private often involves someone else. Some of my most haunting moments in life were shared with at least one other person. Can we truly ever have a secret?

The only two instances in which I think a secret can truly belong to one person is when the instance only involved the secret keeper, such as people that cut themselves or people that have other psychological disorders. The other instance would be when the other person involved in the secret has died.

Anyway, this is all my attempt at being deep and thoughtful, and now that I have written it, it appears somewhat trivial.

Secrets are terrible and can eat at you for years. Secrets can ruin lives, tear people away from those they love the most, or disappear quietly and become long forgotten.

What secrets do you keep? Do they bother you all the time? Occasionally? Do they affect your relationships?

I know some of my secrets bother me frequently. I hope that I do not let them affect the relationships I value the most, though.

Love in the afternoon...

2008-08-22T16:30:00.002-04:00

The above picture was taken Thursday (yesterday) morning. This is how Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling ate their breakfast. It warms my heart. See more pictures at Just Jared.

Cold Feet

2008-08-12T17:00:00.000-04:00

I think I might have them. Maybe it's just wedding planning stress...

I am not quite sure what to do with myself at this moment.

Sara Tagged Me!

2008-07-23T17:15:00.003-04:00

I've been tagged by Sara Jane. She has been one of my best friends for the past 10 years or so. I am playing along, because every once in a while I can be a good sport.

What are the last 4 things you purchased?

Chocolate peanut butter frozen yogurt from the Juice Bar.

A blueberry muffin.

Chipotle food for Josh and I.

Party Relief by Sprayology.

Yes, I know this list primarily consists of food stuffs. Yes, I know it's a huge waste of money. Deal with it.

What are the last three songs you downloaded?
These were downloaded some time ago, as my computer is currently fried:

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis

No One by Alicia Keys

Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder

Where were the last three places you visited?

Hmmm….

Landoll's Mohican Castle (when I got engaged!!!)

Portsmouth, Ohio (family picture time!)

Charlotte, North Carolina (hello Sara Jane, and happy birthday to me!)

What are your three favorite movies?
Kill Bill vol. 1

Labyrinth

Top Gun

What are your three favorite possessions?

My dog, Bella.

My beautiful engagement ring.

My brand spankin' new iphone.

What three things can you not live without?

My Josh, my Bella, and my sleep.

What would be your three wishes?

To have a long, happy life with my husband-to-be.

To thrive in all areas of my life.

To be independently wealthy.

What are three things you have not done yet?

Just three? I haven't done a great deal of things, but here are three I would actually be interested in doing should the opportunity arise.

Traveled all around the world: Australia, Africa, Europe, Asia, etc.

Had children.

Bought my first home.

What are your three favorite dishes?

Any kind of pasta with cream sauce.

Tacos.

Flourless molten lava chocolate cake.

What three celebrities would you want to hang out with the most?

Madonna.

Britney Spears.

Natalie Portman.

Name three things that freak you out.

Worms.

Slugs.

Death.

If you could describe yourself in three words, what would they be?

Anxious.

Thoughtful.

Loving.

Name three unusual things you are good at.

Synchronized swimming (at least I used to be… a little bit).

Driving stick-shift.

Using my imagination.

What are three things you are currently coveting?

A house.

A car.

An imac.

What four bloggers would you like to tag?

I don't even know 4 bloggers to tag! I would like to ask 4 bloggers to volunteer. How's that sound?

Stealing Sara's Stolen Post

2008-07-18T17:00:00.000-04:00

I am 28, a lawyer, an almost wife, and craving adventure. J - the fiance - is always talking about moving and doing something different. The other day he actually said, "Don't you ever want to do anything adventurous?" Well, J, of course I do. I was down with moving out of Ohio the day we finished law school. I am down with all sorts of adventure. If I can only decide on one to undertake...

I want all the trappings of a successful life: a house, a new car, furniture that doesn't come from my parents, my parents' neighbor, or some other non-retail source. Most importantly, though, I want a happy life. A fulfilling life. A life filled with music, laughter, and love. I just don't want to have to worry about money or any other mundane things.

I have a dog Bella. She's simply awesome. She can be obnoxious, to be sure, but she's always there when you need her to be. She likes to bark at J and I during movies, because she's mad we're not playing with her, and she likes to snuggle in my lap when she finally calms down. She's soft, has the biggest, prettiest eyes ever, and the cutest little face. She's incredibly friendly and playful, and she makes a great companion to humans and dogs alike.

I wish I could go back and make everything in my life go properly. I wish I would have gone to college where I wanted to go. I wish I would have tried a little bit harder in college, on the LSAT, and in law school. Nevermind, I wish I could scrap law school altogether. I should have stuck with psychology, or opened a bakery, or did something where my job wasn't so structured, so sit-at-a-desk for the exact same 8 hours day after day after day. I wish the bad experiences I have had could be erased. I wish I didn't have to go through so much tough stuff to learn and grow. I wish I could have gotten where I am without so much pain and struggle.

I hate that I can be so pessimistic sometimes (see paragraph immediately above). I hate that bad drivers are allowed on the road during rush hour. I hate that winter manages to show up year after year, but that it took until the middle of July for summer to finally show. I hate that I cannot fix everyone's problems...I wish I could help my family, and Josh, and my friends all find what they need. I hate that I am so critical of others... I know I have offended my family on more than one occasion. I hate that my negativism brings other people around me down.

I fear death. Love, to an extent. Worms. Slugs. Confined spaces. Failure. The dark corners of my mind. My own vulnerability.

I hear the air conditioning. Running. And running. Not much else, except for my own typing on the keyboard. My office is quieter than any library you have ever been in.

I search for everything. Especially on the internet. Some people are curious about something, ask a friend if they know anything about it, and give up instantly when no one around them has the answer. Not me. I google. Compulsively. If you want to know, find it out! Not a day goes by where I don't troll the internet with some inane question.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. And the next day. And the next. I wonder what J is thinking right now, what Hannah is doing, how Claire is doing. I wonder what other people really think of me (this has been a frequent wonder of late, thanks to Facebook's rank your friends application). I wonder where I will be 15 years from now. What I will look like, who I will have become.

I regret lots. And I hate it. And I don't want to feel that way. So we won't discuss it.

I love my husband-to-be, my family, my friends. I love ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, M & M cookies, cake, cheesecake, dark chocolate, pie, brownies... mmm.... brownies. I love Bella. I love watching the storms roll in while sitting in my office. I love being near water. I love being completely independent, but completely dependent at the same time. I love being strong physically, mentally, and emotionally. I love letting myself be weak sometimes, too. I love to travel and see new places. I love gadgets. I love researching and planning all the big stuff in life. I love shopping, but I equally enjoy saving. I love eating at a restaurant outside on a patio in the middle of the summer. I love eating outside for hours on a patio in Miami. I love being glamorous one day, and a couch potato the next.

I ache all over. Being 28 and out-of-shape is no way to be. I wake up with aches and pains I never knew I could have. Certain household chores ensure that I wake up tender and sore. Somedays I ache in my heart. Somedays I ache in my head. Don't we all?

I always eat breakfast. Which is totally bizarre. I used to never eat breakfast. I rather enjoy it now. I always spend time analyzing. Analyzing what I am going to do, what I am doing, and what I have done. I'm nutso. I always make J kiss me goodbye in the morning and hello at night. I always make plans to improve myself and rarely ever follow through. I always indulge a little too much.

I usually stay up later than I should. Sleep later than I should. Shower longer than I should. Slack more than I should. Complain more than I need to.

I am not perfect, nor am I striving to be. I am not always helpful, but I am a lot of the time. I am not ugly, but I am not drop-dead-gorgeous either. I am not a great number of things, but I do enjoy the things I am.

I dance constantly. In the car, at home, sometimes even at my desk. I love dancing.

I sing in the shower, in the car, not very often at my desk, at my parent's house. Everywhere the mood strikes me. I love singing.

I never feel free from guilt or concern. I am always worried I haven't done a good enough job or quite the right thing, or whatever. I never do anything I will hate myself for. I never completely let myself down.

I rarely try new things. I am quite set in my ways when it comes to food. I never want to try anything new, for fear that I will not like it. I rarely go out dancing until 3 am (anymore). I rarely send cards, although I should. I rarely do anything thoughtless and selfish.

I cry often. I am an emotional type gal. I may be all cried out for a bit, though. Crying can quickly become exhausting...

I am not always the coolest, happiest, funniest, or prettiest girl in the room. I don't think I fall very short, though.

I lose myself in the crisis du jour. I lose my sanity when I do that. I lose time at work to reading blogs and other nonsense. I lose whenever I play J in chess. I lose whenever my parents have to choose between me and Hannah. I lose whenever I let myself get lost in my head.

I'm confused by people. Why do so many of them suck at life? Why do so many of them irritate me? Why do they make the wrong decisions when the right ones are so obvious? I'm confused by all sorts of people. People I know and people I don't. I'm also confused by myself. Why can't I do the things I want to do? Why can't I get in shape? Why can't I rid myself of bad habits? Confusing.

I miss everything I enjoyed in my life that has come and gone. I miss long lost friends. I miss the naivety of my youth. I miss being blissfully unaware.

I need to get some s*it done at work. I need to get my butt into the gym. I need to eat right, sleep properly, and feel good. I need to hammer out the rest of my wedding details. I need a bazillion dollars.

I should get off stinking Blogger now. I should call J and see if he's heard anything about his grandmother. I should quit obsessing, and enjoy life. I should lighten up, laugh often, and enjoy a million adventures.

Wild, wonderful, pre-wedding weekend!

2008-07-15T12:18:00.003-04:00

So, life has calmed down now. Work is slow... so slow I have no motivation when I am there, and the wedding is mostly together, and I have already had my shower and bachelorette party. Easy street. At least one would think...

We have six weekends before the wedding. Three of those weekends are already completely planned. Full of stuff. Another one of those weekends is tentatively planned. Full of stuff. That means, at most, we have two usable weekends before the wedding. Although we are in a calm spot now, where we just have to sit and wait before we do the next round of chores... there will be another round of chores. Seating charts, menu finalization, cake choices, flower choices, alcohol choices... the list goes on.

Anyway, this past weekend I had, as previously mentioned, an awesome shower and awesome bachelorette party. Thanks to Sara and Melinda for making everything perfectly memorable! I had an awesome time, and I appreciate everything everyone did to make the weekend special.

I am super-duper exhausted, though, after all this weekend fun, and I am going to try and use the rest of this week to play catch up!

Life in the fast lane...

2008-06-03T12:30:00.003-04:00

So, in the past few weeks I have worked ridiculous amounts of time. I have also started trying to plan a wedding. I am overwhelmed.

Work is crazy. We have a bit of a lull this week, but things will probably ramp up again before next Tuesday. I don't know how many additional midnight, 1 am, 2 am days I can handle! Exhausted.

Wedding planning is crazy, too. Especially when you try to do it on a tight schedule. People have literally laughed at me when I ask if they can get a dress for me in my time frame. And I don't know if you have ever looked at an off-the-rack wedding dress, but they're usually samples. They've usually been there a long time, and they usually have very, very dirty hemlines.

So, that's what's going on in my life. I wish the legislators would leave and we could all have a peaceful summer...

Here's to hoping!

The last year has taught me...

2008-05-09T21:34:00.003-04:00

1. That I am one smart cookie. I managed to pass the bar and land my "dream job." I have proven to myself that even when work is hard, I can succeed.

2. That you can always rely on your family. My family has provided me unending support over the last sixth months. Even my Aunt Janet pitched in to help, sending me a entire analysis of my astrological sign.

3. That men will be stupid, and men may completely screw things up, but if they love you, they will try to make it up.

4. That friends are more important than family and men. They get you through the really rough times, the times where you cannot even tell your family what is really going on.

5. That I can survive. Even when I thought the world was crashing down around me, I managed to go to work every day, care for my dog completely, and try to be as good of a friend as I could muster.

6. That life is not about things, or money, or image. Life is about love. Loving yourself and loving others. Being bitter, resentful, or pessimistic will get you nowhere.

7. That expressing your feelings is important. Whether you manage this on the therapist's couch, on a blog, or in a journal, it is important to analyze your feelings and to acknowledge them.

8. That everyone is a little messed up, and you are probably not as bad off as you think. I felt like I went through a lot recently. But you know what? I realized that the things I experienced have been experienced by those before me, will be experienced by those after me, and added all together don't equal a fraction of what some people deal with.

9. That dogs make life worth living. If no one else in the world relies on you, if no one else seems to care whether you are there or not, your dog will always anxiously await your arrival. Your dog cares about you and wants you to be there (even if they only care about their own survival).

10. That money is limited and should be respected. I work hard to pay my bills and entertain myself. My money has a limit. I earn a salary, and it won't be changing anytime soon. Thus, I have learned how to budget and save for the things I really want. I am no longer a mega-consumer. I am conscientious about how I let my money speak for me. Stockpiling money tells the world and myself that I am truly invested in my future.

Bad, Bad Blogger

2008-05-08T15:15:00.000-04:00

I know I have been a bad blogger. First, I haven't blogged at all over the last few months. Second, the other I day I did the unthinkable... I deleted my blog!

I am so sorry to both of you who read this blog. I know you have always anxiously waited for my next post.

I promise to try to start again, again. Maybe this time it will work out. Maybe it won't. Can't predict the future, just have to go with the flow...